Posted at 10:07 PM by LAUJIAWEN

Im so scared.

I couldn't have been able to live with the guilt.

I couldn't think about anything else.

I can't stand it.

One can only take so many heart attacks in a lifetime.

Erase it from my mind.

Please.

But.

i miss the kids already.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT.

They're such an addiction.

They feel like healthy drugs.

I wanna see them now.

Let them take away the thoughts and guilt.

I can't forget his face.

Such a blur kid, but so innocent, not ready to see the world's evilness.

He looked at me with crystal clear eyes. How could i have been so careless.

My heart beating so fast, eyes frantically looking around, wanting so much to see those eyes.

Adults fleeting around, asking.

Blue cap, with winnie the pooh, wearing a white tee, fair, chinese, with a red tag.

" i have to be strong. " "I cannot, cannot lose control."

A burst of emotions.

Water gushing out from my eyes. Straight from my heart? It hurt so much.

Calming smiles, polite gestures, passing of tissues.

Desperately answering calls, hoping and hoping, please please please.

Not a single thing. More tears.

Panic. Swimming in an endless ocean.

HE"S FOUND.

Safe.

I alighted from my never-ending emotional roller coaster.

Confidence trashed, stuck with fake i'm-fine smiles, energy sucked out.

Great urges to just collapse, polite conversations, faking enthusiasm.

Tangled with torturing images, stuck in my own horror house, running from guilt.

Scared was an understatement.

Appearing oh-so-fine-i'm-totally-not-screwed-updownleftright.

Exhausting jokes.

Laughter mixed in with guilt every single time.

Back of my mind.

Awful. Running, but it's chasing.

Hiding it under a thick mask.

"It's alright" "It's not your fault, he wasn't under your care" "what's his name?"

"you're the person in charge?" "we'll find him, don't worry" "don't feel so bad"

"are you okay?"

yeah. Of course I'm fine. Everything's alright now, isn't it?